The anticipation was running high that night as several hundred humans and aliens alike crowded the Babylon 5 auditorium. For a few minutes at least, the approaching horror could be forgotten.

"Thank-you, a, thank-a-you", the announcer said as he squinted at his cue cards.

"Let's have a hand, or tentacle, or whatever, for Ambassador Kosh, who just played a stirring rendition 'The Old Gray Mare' on the spoons. Next is Michelle ..."

"That's 'MICHAEL'!" Garibaldi yelled from off stage.

"Um, sorry, Michael, uh, Garibaldi, who will now entertain us with one of his favorite things".

My Favorite Things

Shapely blond tel'paths in black leather gloves
Charged PPGs with safeties off
Tossing the bad guys into deep-space
These are the things that I really love

Hot buttered popcorn with silly cartoons
Bloated Centuries, who act like buffoons
A nice Drazi fistfight in down below
These are the things the really make me swoon

When it's quiet, and no action
No bumpy heads to thump
I simply remember my favorite things,
And I'm no longer in the dumps

Large Narn bat-squads marching in lock-step
Frightened Nightwatchmen sent to detention
Brown paper packages full of provolone
These are the things that make me moan

Spacing the lurkers, morph gas the geeks
Insulting Bester, for week after week
A glass of cold water when I'm feeling low
I'd much rather be here then down below

When I'm gunned down, by my best guy
And I'm almost dead
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad

The lights focused on the security chief. Now dressed in the newer Minbari uniforms, the others having all shrunk in the laundry. This time however, the new uniforms were bright pink, with charming yellow flower brocade and white trim and large loopy buttons on the front. Long sunflower yellow fringe hung off the bottom hem making the wearer look very much like a rodeo clown, more so had they actually accepted the red wigs and large noses which also accompanied the outfits. The crew all wanted to throw up in unison when presented with the new clothes, but knew that pink and yellow were high-holy colors of the Minbari religious caste. Do to so would be a grave insult to their benefactors and would certainly have shattered the still fragile alliance. Garibaldi thought it might be worth it though. Especially now since the crowd burst out laughing at the sight. Garibaldi fired his PPG over their heads and they quieted down real quickly.

"I just flew in from Ragash 3, and boy are my arms tired!" he said to open his set.

"And, now, ladies and gentleman, and things of all shapes and sizes, I would like to introduce you to MY favorite 'things!'". With that he raised up both his hands which where now dressed up as puppets. "Meet, Zip and Clasp!" Zip, the right puppet bowed, with Clasp following.

"Meester Garibaldi" hooted Londo from the front row. "At one time I asked for your friendship, well, you can have it back!!" he shouted, his hair quivering with laughter.

"Hey Londo!" Clasp retorted, "is that a bunch of bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"

The rest of the crowd roared and the ambassador quieted down. Even Kosh couldn't hide it, his environmental suit was seen to be shaking up and down.Commander Sheridan shouted, "I'm sure glad Anna wasn't here to see this!"

"Hey Mollari!" this time it was Zip, "I think your membership to the Hair Club for Centauries has expired!".

"Now now boys" Garibaldi said to his puppets "These are our friends, we must treat them with respect"

"Ha! " said Zip, "With friends like him who needs the Shadows!"

By this time Kosh was laughing so hard his helmet jiggled loose and fell off onto the floor. The rest of the audience screamed as the piercing white light promptly blinded those who where not shaded by Londo's ample coif. Kosh quickly scrambled to put the helmet back on and in his lowest, most profound tones, mumbled, "oops! Heh, sorry".

"Hey Kosh, that was a 'bright' idea. Heh, heh, heh, get it? 'Bright'?" Clasp retorted.

Just then a hush swept across the audience, as the people turned their heads one by one towards the auditorium's entrance. A muffled buzzing sound could be heard. Standing in the doorway was Skippy Morden. In his low monotone, Morden stated through an unmistakable angry smirk, "having another party I wasn't invited to?"

"Mmfmfmasekjkskdfk" squeaked Clasp as Zip tried to hold his mouth shut.

"You people are all the same! Smug, self important, well groomed. Speaking smartly written dialog. Getting cool uniforms, ... except those stupid pink and yellow things"

Delenn was about to jump up from her seat, but Sheridan held her down.

"mmffmamfmmf you geek mfmmfmmmFMmF" shouted Zip.

"Who called me a GEEK?"

Everyone stayed silent and looked down to the floor.

Morden strode up the aisle, trailed by several invisible buzzing things which sounded like mosquitoes the size of Burma.He turned around to face the audience. "Now, I am not one for adulation. No, I am a humble person. I don't want cheap sympathy. Well, maybe just a little, but not much mind you, but I am here on behalf of my friends". Morden then spread open his hands and suddenly four large black things appeared in the middle of the room looking much like mosquitoes the size of Burma.

The audience gasped. Zip and Clasp, gasped. Morden gasped, saying "My gawd, you guys are ugly! If I'd only known that...."

"Buzzz, buzzz clickity click" went the first mosquito the size of Burma.

"Sorry Bob, I apologize", Morden said, addressing the first Shadow, whose name was Bob.

He turned back to the assembled audience. "You see, when you saw my associates destroying planets, annihilating entire populations, sneaking into movies without paying, what you were witnessing was a cry for help. It all started back in the times when the first ones walked among the stars. Isn't that right boys?"

The Shadows nodded yes.

"When that Man, er, Vorlon, over there didn't invite my friends over to the annual First Ones Summer Bar-B-Que and Poker Night! That was about 3 billion BC, Thursday I think. Their feelings where hurt. Then the Christmas cards stopped coming as the others forgot about them. Eddie over there..." (the third shadow from the right, waved one of his leg-type thingies) "sent out 28 million invitations throughout the entire galaxy for his birthday party one year. Wasn't it the 'Big Five oh, ... oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh?' Eddie".

Eddie nodded yes.

"And out of the 28 million invites, only these three others showed up along with 6 uninvited drunk Feringi and Bob Dole. Wouldn't you be p***ed off?"

Kosh was looking down at the floor, his mighty shoulders slumped in embarrassment, as the crowd slowly turned towards him with a collective "how dare you!" expression.

"And Wally here could never get a date," Morden walked around to the second Shadow, and patted him on the "back", but quickly pulled his hand away shaking off some primordial goo with a muffled "eh yuck".

"Being celibate for billions of years will make anyone just a bit irritable, isn't that right Wall-ster?"

"Awww" went the audience.

Wally could be heard crying.

"So, all we're asking for is a little respect... a what more, just a little LOVE. What do you have to say to that Kosh? Can't we all just get along?"

Kosh turned and left the room. Delenn got up from her seat and closing her eyes,gave Wally a hug, making sure to avoid the gooey spots. Wally hugged her back with his funny looking spider like leg things of his.

Following Delenn, came Lennier, and Vir. Next came Sheridan at Delenn's urging, who gave Eddie an A-frame hug. Even Zip and Clasp joined in. Marcus took his cape off and draped it around the smallest of the four Shadows, Dexter. He gave him his Rangers secret decoder ring owned by his late brother, the inspiration of his life, forged out of the hardest metals and crafted by the sweat of hundreds of the finest Minbari artisans, a ring which Dexter thought was food and promptly ate.

Morden finally broke into a real smile for once in his life. He sidled over to the Captain and asked him a favor, if his friends could stay for a while with their new found pals.

Sheridan felt a song coming on.

Shadows, there's no need to feel down
I said, Shadows, pick yourself off the ground

I said, Shadows, cause you're in a place
There's no need to be un-hap-py

Old things, here's a place you can stay,
I said old things, where you can buzz all the day

Stay here and party all the time
Many girls to pick up and date

It's fun to stay at Ba-by-lon 5
It's fun to stay at Ba-by-lon 5

You can get yourself clean
You can have a good meal
You can do whatever you feel

Shadows, are you listening to me
I said Shadows, what do you want to be

Shadows, you can have your own room
It'll be nicer than Zha-ha-dum!

Shadows, change the way you once knew
I said Shadows, stop the killing and you...

Will make, lots of friends and what's more,
You could get your own spin off TV Show...

So It's fun to stay at Ba-by-lon 5
It's fun to stay at Ba-by-lon 5

Explore up above,
Explore down below

Gamble yourself silly in the Zocalo!

Ba-by-lon 5
Ba-by-lon 5

Just stay here at Ba-by-lon 5

The crowed soon formed a conga-line and exited still singing at the top of their lungs.Only Morden stayed behind, smiling, realizing that he had at last accomplished his goal.

Then a sudden terrifying thought occurred to him. The show had two full years left to run! The shadows had ended their war. That would certainly mean that Clark would be deposed from his power in short order and PsiCorp would be run out of  business. What would the final two years be like? A love fest? Everybody caring for everybody else? The final perfection of human-kind? Bah, he thought, how boring.

He would be needing some more action at some point. He left from the auditorium, turned out the lights, put out the cat and thought to himself. "I wonder if Melrose Place is hiring?"

"Skreetch, skreetch."

You're right Dexter, Amanda is a babe.

****

Finis

Copyright 1996 by Mike Smithwick (as if anyone would really want to copy THIS!)